So, this is a very unusual post, but I feel like I have to write it. I realized how integral my doctor's office has been to my life (especially the past 4 years now), and it has become sort of nostalgic to me in a way. Let me explain...
I had my post-partum visit yesterday (8/19- a tad late at 8 weeks instead of 6, but who's counting!), and I almost felt as though I missed this place after coming every week for the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy--it had become such a routine drive, that every time I have driven the road towards the back entrance of Matthews Presbyterian Hospital , I almost pulled in out of habit instead of continuing on my way (usually to Target which is just down the road!)
As I was waiting I realized my very first time in this office had been almost 10 years ago. I looked around at the pictures on the wall (my favorite is this Victorian-style picture with a woman leaning over a baby in a bassinet) and the chairs in the waiting room and realized that not that much has changed in there in 10 years, but I sure felt differerent sitting here today than I did 10 years ago. I gazed down at Brilee in the stroller which we had gotten as a gift when Sean was born--it has scratches on it where it has been banged up and knocked around--and I started reminiscing about how quickly things change.
Jon and I will have been married 10 years this January, and before we got married, I knew I had to make "that" kind of doctor's appointment. I wanted to find an Ob/Gyn in Charlotte instead of my home town since we would be living here after we got married. I didn't know where to start, but thankfully one of Jon's friend's mother worked at an OB/Gyn office, so she was able to recommend a good doctor at the Bradford Clinic. At the time (Fall 2000) I was in my last semester of college at Western Carolina University, and I didn't have that many days off that were during the week versus on weekends, so I had to schedule an appointment during my Fall break to visit the doctor--which I was not looking forward to since I had never been to an Ob/Gyn before!! This was NOT the way I wanted to spend fall break, but I had decided I wanted to take the pill since we were not going to plan on having children anytime soon!
Well, I can tell you that first appointment, I was so nervous sitting in that waiting room. I was looking around at everything that was so new to me at the time--I noticed the Victorian lady with her baby on the wall and thought it was a pretty picture. I saw all the pregnant ladies coming and going and thought this seemed like a really nice place. However, after my appointment, I can't tell you how
glad I was to be leaving and didn't want to come back ANY time soon! Don't get me wrong, Dr. Godsey and his nurse were nice and all, but that was the most embarassing time of my life up till that point! So, I was so glad to be leaving-- I had my prescription, which was really all I wanted--I wish he could have just written that for me and let me be on my jolly way!
For the first 4 1/2 years of our marriage, children were no where on our radar--so I just begrudgingly made the routine 1 year visit every year just dreading going to that doctor's office--even though I technically didn't have to because I learned after about a year that I hated being on the pill and just didn't want to take it anymore because I thought the hormones really messed me up and made me way too emotional and just made me gain a lot of weight! (I think it was 10 pounds the first year we were married!)
In the Spring of 2005 we both finished our respective degrees and found jobs in our fields and still didn't think kids were on our radar. However, as I started working as a guidance counselor that summer and into the fall, I really started desiring to start a family instead of continuing to wait. Because, really--what was I waiting on? Those first 4 1/2 years it was waiting to finish school...and I thought...well, how long do we have to wait before we're ready--because they say that no one is ever really ready to have a baby. Jon had been fine either way at that point--I think it was me that was more scared of having a baby at that time because I had JUST started my job and I didn't want anyone to think--gee, we just hired her and now she'll need a maternity leave? (remember me and my "I put too much focus on what other's think" nature). Well, I just pushed that aside, and we decided we were ready to start trying in September of 2005.
I had no clue what to expect--I'd heard some people say it took them months to get pregnant, others it seemed near impossible--so I was very shocked when I had a positive pregnancy test on October 4, 2005! Wow, that was quick! And it seemed almost too easy! I remember going into work on Monday morning and shutting my office door so I could talk on the phone so no of my co-workers could her me schedule an appointment and especially so they couldn't hear the word "pregnant!" They asked me all the routine questions about how far along I was, etc. and they told me they schedule the first appointment for around 8 weeks (I had no clue why, but just listened to what they said because I had no clue what to expect!).
(On a side note--I know I've discussed my miscarriages a little bit in an earlier post, but I want to record for my own purposes what happened in more detail, so this is why I'm going over it again). About a week later I started getting worried when I started seeing the tiniest bit of blood and I had no clue what to do except google it! It said to always call the doctor, but this was Friday night (of course!) and they were closed--but I did talk to the nurse on call for the office who asked me a bunch of questions and determined that since it wasn't that heavy it was probably nothing to worry about but that I should make an appointment to go in to the doctor on Monday to check things out. Those were the two longest days to wait!
Now came the hard part of what to say to my principal on Monday morning when I had to call in late to say that I had a doctor's appointment. (because in my mind I thought it would be suspicious that I didn't already know that I had an appointment, but I thought I was probably worrying too much.) So, I decided to just leave it at I have an appointment and I could explain things later if I had to.
I went in and sat in the waiting room not knowing what was happening. I saw the Victorian lady again and I thought-- I wonder if she worried when she was pregnant? Did she have any difficulty? She sure seems happy in that picture. I kept telling myself what I was going through was probably normal because everything I read said that it is common to have some spotting in early pregnancy...so I was trying to stay positive. The nurse took me back and did a pregnancy test first (because they had to confirm it) and ofcourse, it was positive. So she said they would do an internal ultrasound to see how far along I was and to check on everything. Well, at that point I got excited because I thought, wow--I'll get to see what a tiny tiny little life looks like so early (though the thought of an internal ultrasound sounded uncomfortable!)
So, the technician started looking around at the screen and I was waiting to hear something like, "everything is fine." But instead she said, "I don't see a pregnancy in your uterus." Well, that sent my head spinning--hadn't they just told me I had a positive test? Why can't they see anything--anything at all? She said that perhaps I had my dates off and I wasn't really 6 weeks pregnant but maybe only just 4 weeks. Well, in my mind I wanted to say, "Excuse me, but I took a test 2 weeks ago at home and it was positive then too--and according to how things work, if what you say is true I couldn't have had a positive test back then!" So, I started to get worried at this point.
They took me back to the lab to draw some blood and said they were going to test the level of hCG in my blood which could help them determine how far along I am and they would also test my progesterone levels. But I was going to have to wait 2 days for the results! The nurse kept telling me that the level of hCG doubles everyday, and so if I was earlier along than I thought they should be higher on Wed. and that I probably had nothing to worry about. I still don't know why they kept telling me that except that maybe since it was so light and sporadic that they really thought that it was ok. They would then have me come in on Wednesday anyway to check my blood again to see what the level was then too. Since I would have to go back, I decided to go ahead and tell my principal what was going on, and I was so scared to talk about it. I don't remember what I said excpet that I had to say I was pregnant, but that there was something going on strange, and I had to go back on Wednesday. He seemed a bit shocked, but I think he did what any boss has to do and just try to support you. I don't remember much else about that day, except that I talked to some ladies in the office and we all prayed together.
Well, Wednesday morning rolls around and I'm just waiting at my desk for the phone call from the doctor which meant I had to miss chapel service that morning. I already avoided telling people why I wasn't going to chapel, and I just didn't know what to say to anyone. Well, when Carla (the emergent nurse) called me, she said she didn't have good news. My hCG level was only about 70 and it should be around 600 at that time, which meant that things were not progressing as they should. She made an appointment for me to see Dr. Fishburne who was on call that morning (and I'd never seen him before) to talk to me and see what was happening. I got off the phone and my head was reeling. I didn't know what to do, so I just prayed--I don't remember what I prayed or how, but mostly I was just crying. I called Jon and asked him to meet me at the doctor's office. At that point, chapel was still in session, and my appointment was for another hour, so I walked down there to find someone to explain what was happening. I went through the back doors to the sanctuary and saw the principal back there and just told him I had to leave and I was in tears, so I think he pretty much just figured things out and didn't care that I didn't say anything else.
Jon and I meet at the doctor's office and I could tell he was pretty upset and we just hugged and sat in the waiting room for them to call us back. I remember seeing all the pregnant women coming in the door and how hard it was so see them and how happy they all looked. I've always remembered this, which is why anytime I'm in that waiting room while I'm pregnant I try not to look "too" happy in case there is another women in there going through what I did.
We finally went back and the nurse explained to me that Dr. Fishburne was going to come in and check me out and talk to us. I looked around the room and saw his certificates/plaques on the wall--one was from the National Naval Medical Medical Hospital in Maryland where he had received training . Beside it was a plaque that looked unique and had a lot of signatures on it. I don't remember the specific title, but it said somthing to the effect that he provided high quality of "customer service" to his patients. I didn't know what that meant until Jon and I met him. The moment he came into that door, I felt a real peace about everything. He was so kind to both Jon and I and I remember him saying, "This baby just isn't developing properly" and explaining that about 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and it may be even more since some women may not know they are pregnant and mistake it for a period. The way he used the term "baby" instead of "fetus" made me feel really good, and I've always gotten the impression from him since that day that he is pro-life. He was so very nice to both of us and had the best bedside manner of any doctor I'd seen before. I really believe that God orchestrated him to be on call that day, because of all the doctors in the practice, he is the one that is most down to earth and takes the time to make sure all your questions are answered. All the other doctors are very competent and very good, however, there is something different about him. Jon asked him a few questions (I don't remember specifically), but the dr. said that I was still so early along that they would not need to do anything, but that everything should "pass" on it's own, but that he wanted me to come back in a week if the bleeding hadn't stopped and at that point they could re-evaluate things if needed. Well, I didn't need to go back, and on my own personal time somewhere I will record for myself what ensued the next 2 days, which was more painful emotionally than any of the physical pain I had to go through for the three childbirth experiences I've had since.
About two weeks after my first miscarriage I received a "courtesy" phone call reminding me of my 8 week appointment with Dr. Godsey. I just sat at my desk and started crying, and told the lady on the phone, "Um...I won't need that appointment...I had a miscarraige 2 weeks ago." She was
very apologetic and said she was so sorry and that they should have cancelled the appointment for me and to call them if I needed anything. That wasn't much consolation except for knowing that it was traditionally their habit to cancel such appointments for women like me--but I had wished I hadn't gotten that phone call!
One of the things we had asked him was how long we should wait to try to get pregnant again. He said it was best to wait 3 months to make sure your system was clear, or you may have another miscarriage just due to the fact that things hadn't gone back to normal yet. Well, I worried way too much time over the next 2-3 months--I started tracking my basal body temperature every day to get an idea about how long my cycles were and I read
WAY too much on WebMD and other websites! I think I became too obsessed and spent
WAY too much time thinking about becoming pregnant. That time would have been better spent reading God's word and trusting
HIM for our possible future children rather than thinking I had to figure it out on my own.
I was so wanting to get pregnant again, that in December 2005, I was taking a bunch of pregnancy tests too early even though I knew it was too soon to tell. I would hold them up to the light to see if I could see anything, and Jon would tell me I was too impatient. However, on our 5 year anniversary (January 6, 2006) I
DID have another positive pregnancy test that even Jon could see the line! (LOL) So, I hoped things would be different this time.
I called Bradfod Clinic and made another 8 week appointment--this time with Dr. Fishburne--but again, I would never make it to that 8 week mark. It was even earlier this time--right around 5 weeks that I noticed the slight tinge of blood. So, I once again called Carla (the urgent nurse) and she was so sweet and helpful again. She made another appointment for me to come in to have my hCG levels checked again, and just as last time--two days later I got the news that they were again too low.
(side note--at the moment I'm feeling that blogging is SO time consuming, but I'm so glad to be writing this down, that I don't care that I'm using my kids' naptime to record these thoughts--I'll want to remember them one day)
So, again I went to see Dr. Fishburne. This time I was in the room on the opposite side of the hallway, and he had different things hanging on the wall in that office. One of them is a very beautiful hand-drawn picture of a woman holding a new baby. I got up to look at what was written on the bottom. It said CNDF/Mary '62. I thought about it and realized the baby in the picture was probably Dr. Fishburne and his father had probably drawn this of his mom holding him since he was a "jr" and those would be his dad's initials. I thought that was the most wonderful piece of artwork as it was so simple but so beautiful. I wonered if I would ever be a new mom like that holding a baby. I think it's nice to have things like this to think about when you're waiting for the doctor--I can't be the only person who is curious about what is hanging on the wall and why they put it there. In any case, it gave me something to do while waitng. He he came in he said that having two miscarriages in a row like this was not as common as having just one miscarriage. I asked him if there were any tests they could run to see what was going wrong. He told me that there were several things they could do, but that traditionally, insurance companies would not pay for such tests until a woman has had 3 consecutive miscarriages! He said after 3, you would be considered to have a diagnosis of "recurrent miscarriage" that would warrant them to look for a cause. I started crying and asked, "so I possibly have to do this again to see if there is something wrong?" He told me he would have his nurse call my insurance company to see if they would pay for some tests. One thing they would do is draw some blood from me and from Jon to see if there was some sort of chromosomal abnormality in either one of us that was causing the pregnancy to end on its own. Another thing they would do is check my progesterone level to see if it was normal, and some other panels (which I don't remember what they were). He did notice at this appointment that my thyroid seemed enlarged just by feeling my throat, so they also checked my thyroid levels.
I cannot tell you how
thrilled I was to receive the call from Carla that my insurance
would cover the tests, and she scheduled Jon and I to come in to have some blood taken. We sat in the same waiting room and I was so nervous about what they would find. I saw the Victorian lady and her baby, but I didn't want to look at her this time around, so I tried to find something else to look at. But there were so many pregnant women in the room, and all the magazines seemed to be about pregnancy and parenting! No escape there from my burden--I now wish at the time I had taken the time to just close my eyes and pray. At this time in my life I seemed more focused on fixing the problem myself than trusting God during our pain.
We went back to the lab and Jeannie sat us down to draw our blood. She was the nicest lady and I remembered her from the last time I was in and she had taken the panel for my thyroid. She was very comforting and I noticed she had a little picture on the wall that had a Bible verse on it (I can't remember which one). I thanked her and told her I liked her picture and started crying. I dont' remember what she said, but it wasn't cliche, and I knew she cared about me. I can't tell you of the countless times since then that I have sat in her chair in her lab to get blood drawn--mostly from having to check my thyroid levels so often during pregnancy and the labs they draw during pregnancy, but she is always there and we always chat and have a good time talking. She even remembers me by name before I even hand her my paperwork. She is one of the many reasons I love the Bradford Clinic. I know that she cares about me and her other patients by how she treats us--she even remembers where I work (or used to work). She told me at my visit this week, "Amber! I thought about you this morning because I saw Metrolina Christian Academy started back to school yesterday! Do you miss it there?" Not only did she remembered where I had worked, but that I stayed at home now. She always talks about her son and daughter, and I enjoy seeing her and the other ladies in the lab at
every one of my visits!
Jon and I had to wait a couple of weeks for our test results, and I was so
relieved when I read Dr. Fishburne's scribbled handwriting, that everything was normal with Jon and I, however, my progesterone levels were still low from the time I was pregnant. He had explained that they couldn't determine if the progesterone was low because I was having a miscarriage, or if I had the miscarriage because the progesterone was low. So, he told me to call him as soon as I got another positive pregnancy test, and he would write me a prescription for a progesterone supplement to take during the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. He said it was one theory about why some women have miscarriages, especially since I had thyroid problems, which helps regulate all the hormones in your body. I was hopeful at this thought, that perhaps that would help next time.
Even though we were supposed to wait another 3 months, I just couldn't stand another long wait!
So, it was only after 2 months that we tried again, and I had the same paranoid tendencies to take tests
way too early. I had convinced myself in March 2006 that I was pregnant because I could see a faint line on the test--but I could only see it when I held it up in the bright light of our bathroom. Jon couldn't see it but I told him it was there and I started crying. I was so scared that if I didn't get the prescription right away that something would happen again, so I called the dr.'s office to go in to have a pregnancy test. I walked in and was really nervous this time, and as I waited for them to do the test, I became more nervous as I saw Jeannie and the other ladies in the lab start talking to each other very quietly. Carla walked over to me and sat down and said, "honey, it's negative." I said, "really? I saw a line on my home test." She said that sometimes women see a line on the tests when they hold it up to the light, not because it's positive, but because you're seeing the dye that is embedded in the test that will get darker when you actually do have a positive result.
I just wanted to cower away in embarassment. I felt silly and stupid and just wanted to go run away and hide, because I thought they were thinking I was so desperate. In reality, I guess I
was really desperate, which is why I wanted a positive test so badly. In a couple of days, I did get my period, and I just felt so down, but I wasn't going to God in prayer about this--instead, I was going to WebMD--over and over every single day...reading about checking your basal body temperature and tracking your cycle and the best ways to get pregnant. All that was so silly, because I never had a problem
getting pregnant...I was having problems
staying pregnant!
At that point, it had been 6 months since this roller coaster ride had started, and I had really put on some extra weight. I realized I had gained 15 pounds since September, and everything I read said that I should be at my ideal weight before getting pregnant, but I just didn't want to wait! I also didnt' want to exercise at all, because I feared if I did get pregnant, I would cause myself to have another miscarriage. I was definitely not healthy at this time--physically or emotionally.
During early April, I had my Easter break from school and Jon took some days off for vacation. We spent the week doing yard work. One of the few times I actually wrote in my journal was during this week. The following are entires of what I wrote...
April 13, 2006
"It's been difficult not to pick up the thermometer so many times today. But checking more than in the morning will do or tell me nothing except make me more obsessed about this whole thing. It's Spring break this week and Jon and I have gotten a lot of work done. We finished the walkway, the treliss and water-sealing the deck--along with a lot of weeding, laundry & cleaning. I have fun doing housework with him..."
April 16, 2006
"I'm sitting here in church--it's Easter Sunday, and its difficult for me to concentrate. I woke up feeling sore, and took a pregnancy test, but it didn't show anything yet. I'll try again tomorrow--but I want to know now seeing pregnant women at church continues to remind me of my heart's desire. I pray Jon and I are blessed to have a baby. I pray God will keep this baby safe."
April 17, 2006
"I need to have more faith in God that our baby will come. I took another test this morning even though I knew it was probably still too early. My period isn't expected until Thursday. I return to work tomorrow and I need to do some laundry and write something for work before tomorrow. I know there must be a sweet pea inside me."
Thursday, April 20...
"I had a positive test yesterday! So I went to the doctor's office so they could start tracking my hCG levels to make sure they double every 48 hours. I started taking the progesterone and I am excited and worried at the same time. I know I shouldn't worry--God is faithful--those are the first words I heard on the radio this morning. And I should be faithful to Him in prayer during this time. I pray God keeps this life safe inside me."
Saturday, April 22...
I think things are going well. My blood tests on Wed. were good--my hCG was 156 and my progesterone was 15.5. They took it again Friday and I should get those Monday--hopefully it will double. It is hard not to be apprehensive. I just need to continue to remember that God is faithful and will be faithful to me and Jon.
Friday, April 26
I am feeling amazed at God's faithfulness in His perfect plan. I am learning to trust Him patiently without doubting His love for us and our little baby. My due date is Dec. 26...I'm actually excited it's in Dec now, though before I was concerned they would feel their birthday isn't recognized as much--but it is wonderful to share a birthday with Jesus. Our little sweet pea is about the size of a grain of rice. We go on May 8 to get an ultrasound because we should be able to see a heartbeat by then! Amazing!
May 1
I had the smallest bit of spotting yesterday and that really freaked me out and Jon & I prayed so much. A little more spotting the next time I went to the bathroom, however, the rest of last night and this morning, there was no more. I know I need to trust God even more than I thought I was. He reminds me that He is with me and cares for me so much. If it is His will for us to have this baby, then we will--that is what Jon told me yesterday.
May 10
So much excitement has come this week. The spotting did not get worse--just a small bit that once. We had an ultrasound last week and on Monday, 5/8. Last week it measured 5 weeks 4 days, which the nurse said was normal. On Mon. we saw a tiny flashing heartbeat and the baby was measuring 6 weeks 3 days--which was exact from the number of days since last week. It was difficult to see much else on the ultrasound, but I'm so glad we were able to see a heartbeat, because the risk of losing this baby goes down significantly with that. I am so thankful for God's provision and want to continue to seek Him. I can feel everyone's prayers covering our little one.
May 15
I had another ultrasound today because I still had a little spotting. I saw Dr. Castellion and she said my cervix looked tender and the progesterone applicator was probably causing irritation to my cervix & causing the spotting. The baby was bigger on the ultrasound & the heartbeat was 165 bpm. It's amazing how fast it has grown in one week!
My journal entries stopped there and were very sporadic and only once every few months. However, I am glad I wrote down what happened at the beginning of my pregnancy with Sean. I wouldn't have been able to remember all those details if I hadn't because so much was going on at the time and I was so worried.
It's strange how I didn't mind looking at the Victorian lady anymore when I went into the waiting room. And I didn't mind the pregnant ladies either. Instead, I felt very happy whenever I would go to the doctor to hear our baby's heartbeat. The sound of the swoosh swoosh on the doppler never gets old, and every time I was still amazed that a baby was inside me.
It's the same routine for every one of my prenatal appointments (and there were a lot!) They take you back to weigh you, give you a cup to pee and and you have to
carry it yourself! to the subwaiting area to wait for your room to get ready. Those appointments were much easier with the first one because I didn't have to worry about finding someone to watch my kids! With Lilly, I always went during work, so Sean was still in daycare. BUT, with Brilee--I was daring enough to take Sean & Lilly with me sometimes! I would pack my "necessities" of snacks, drinks, toys, books, etc. to keep them occupied. The appointments usually aren't that long because once you're in the room the nurse checks your blood pressure, checks for sugar and protein in your urine, listen to the heartbeat on the doppler, then the dr. comes in to see if you have any questions and to measure how big you are! However, on some occasions, I had to wait longer than usual because the dr. on call (whom your prenatal appointments are with) is in a delivery or an emergency. It seems like the only times I took my kids were the times I had to wait a really long time (Murphy's law!) But Sean always enjoyed hearing the heartbeats.
Sorry I'm skipping around so much now, but I want to go back to the beat up stroller at the beginnign of this post. As I was sitting in the waiting room for my post-partum checkup with Brilee, I recalled my post partum visit with Sean--the newness of pushing a baby in a stroller. The pride of having a baby to push around--the joy of seeing the precious little life that was once inside you sitting snuggled up in the car seat. I thought about how new everything was with Sean--not knowing what to expect--having all this new baby gear and trying it out and using it for the very first time. And not knowing with him that all that geat would be used over and over--and loving the worn-ness on the stroller because it meant I had been using it as the best job ever--mommy. I now look at the Victorian lady and her baby and notice--wow! she has the tiniest waist--there's no way she just had a newborn baby! The things I never noticed before, and how that picture in a way has changed over these 10 years. I can fondly say that yes, I do love going to my Ob/Gyn--because it is a celebration of life for me now. A celebration of 3 little lives that God has entrusted Jon and I with. He brought us through such a brief period of sorrow, which at the time I thought was never ending--but it only lasted
6 months! What a short time in comparison of a lifetime--of an eternity!
Hopefully there will be one more round of prenatal appointments for us--as we would like a fourth child at some point...but not nearly as close as Brilee is to Lilly! Maybe 3 years apart this time--enough time for me to come up to the surface for breath and enjoy the air for a little bit before going under the water again! I so enjoy being a mother--and all that goes with it--yes, even the two year old tantrums...becaues it reminds me that I am
blessed to have these children--how desperate I was for these children, and how God was faithful to us with them. It is now time to continue to seek His guidance from the baby-hood stage of parenting to the ever daunting stages that are ahead. School in some form or fashion in 2 more years...homework, extra-curricular activities, teenagers, driving, college--I don't want to think about that too soon, but I know it will come and we must be prepared! Now is the time we are laying the groundwork for those years, and I want to have a solid foundation. A foundation that will last for eternity.
