In the storm...

So, this is a post inside of a post.  I wrote the post below (in quotes) on Thursday evening.  Thursday was a beautiful day bringing the promise of Spring.  The kids and I had a beautiful day playing outside and it was one of those days you thoroughly love life.  I want to remember that day...swinging my children at the park while singing, "This is the Day" and "My God is So BIG!", eating popsicles, taking their shoes off outside to run around in the grass, digging in the dirt, picnic lunch outside, looking at clouds overhead while a gentle breeze blew their hair.  Thursday was perfect.

Friday, we woke up to thunder showers...the feeling of something impending over the horizon.  Rolling thunder with no rain and dark skies.  I knew I was expecting a phone call that afternoon...and here is my post I wrote Thursday evening:

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"I am 5 weeks today, yet barely anyone knows about it.  So, I'm going to start writing these posts and saving them as drafts until we announce #4 is on his/her way!  Let me add to that, "Lord willing!"  I had my hcg blood levels taken last Thursday and again today to make sure they are doubling properly.  I haven't gotten a call back from the doctor yet on today's levels, but should hear tomorrow.   Last week was early and they were only 24.3, so today's should be around 300 something if they have doubled at least every 48 hours.

So far, I have been feeling extremely tired (mostly due from the progesterone I have to take the first trimester of each pregnancy since I do not make enough on my own, which is why I have a history of miscarriage).  I have also been extremely hungry!  I guess that is to be expected.  No nausea yet, except the first day when I got my positive test, but the girls were also throwing up with a virus, so I think I truly had a touch of that stomach bug since the nausea went away the next day and hasn't returned.

Here's the picture of the positive test.  These are the best little tests I've ever used- a pack of 40 opk strips and 10 hpt strips for only 9.99!  That's much less than just 2 hpt's from the store!  Plus, these ended up being much more sensitive.  I had a negative on a more expensive store brand the same morning, so turns out price doesn't always matter!

Today, as I was enjoying this beautiful weather with the kids at the park and again outside at our house, I was reminded how blessed I am with the 3 beautiful children He has already given us.  I can truly say today, that if He does not bless us with #4, I am content.  Don't get me wrong, I would love this baby to be very healthy and arrive as expected around Nov. 1, 2012.  But, if the Lord does not choose this, I will be just as happy.  Phil 4:6-7 "Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication let your requests be made known to God."

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End Thursday's post and back to today...the phone call brought the sad news that my hcg was only 58...barely over double what it was a week ago when it should have been up to around 300.  I'd heard the doctor's words three times before...knowing what would be coming..."this pregnancy will not be successful."  Just anticipating the pain and seeking the Lord's face.  We're going through this together again.  And trying to learn through the pain.

http://youtu.be/1z52WaOr1-g

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart