"19 Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in and steal; 21 for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
I've come to realize that not all earthly treasures are things such as possessions and money--those things that usually come to mind when I have read these verses in the past. Something our pastor mentioned gave me a much different perspective on treasures. He said, "If anything in this world is everything to you, it is an earthly treasure." I began thinking what is "everything to me" and "where are my thoughts" and "where is my energy focused" and I can definitely see a pattern. Again, this week, our pastor said, "Whatever you spend the most time thinking about is where your heart is."
So where has my mind been all of January? It has not been on planning appropriate lessons plans for homeschool, though I feel convicted about this not being completed every single day.
It has not been on making sure our house is orderly and meals are planned, though I am good at coming up with dinner ideas just an hour or two before I need to prepare dinner.
It is not on the random lists of little things I need to do: patching holes in Sean's ripped pants, sewing buttons back on a few of Jon's shirts, ironing a huge pile of wrinkled shirts (Jon has so many that he can go without those that wrinkle easily, so his closet "stash" of shirts is dwindling.)
It is somewhat not on my children. I say somewhat because I suppose I am constantly thinking about my children since I am with them all day, but I am not TRUELY focused on their needs. I find I am trying to find ways to keep them occupied so I can do the general chores of laundry, dishes, etc, practicing piano, but I'm not FULLY engaged with them and sitting down to have fun with them. I find myself being impatient that they don't have fun with each other. I suppose that will come in time, but right now a 5, 3 and 19 mo. old dont' know HOW to have fun by themselves.
So, what has my mind been on? I hate to admit in writing that it is on wanting more children. I have become overtaken with baby fever and the desire for another. I suppose the miscarriage I had in December had a more profound affect on me than I knew it would. I thought it was so early that I could move past it easily and on with a normal routine and just "try again." But I have (sinfully) been reading too much on the topic, obsessively charting temperatures throughout my cycle (those of you who have ever done so will know what I'm referring to) and being sulking over not getting pregnant again the very next month. I'm not sure why I was thinking something would happen the very next month, except that I knew it was very early and my doctor said we could try again right away since it was a very early loss. But, as I realized I wasn't pregnant again this month, wow, did I ever go into a fit of rage. And I really mean that. Those of you who don't really know me don't know how much I struggle with anger. And it hit me big time last week. Why am I writing this down? Because I believe other women struggle with this too, and maybe don't know how to talk about it.
However, I have been convicted flat on my face about "where your treasure is there your heart will be also." You see, treasuring children or future children is still having my heart in the wrong place. My heart needs to fully be with God and my thoughts need to be on Him. Yes, I feel I am called to be a mother, however, my duties as a mom are to train my children to love and serve God. It is not the selfish desire to cuddle and snuggle with a newborn baby or all the other numerous joys that come with being a mother. It is everything that is encompassed by being a mom...even the lowest of tasks: changing poopy diapers, cleaning up the potty training messes that don't make it in either the diaper or the potty, wiping up spills from a careless 5 year old,
And that's just it--He hasn't been the most important thing in my thoughts and in my heart recently. So, I am thankful for the reminder that I need to get my mind out of the gutter of wistful thinking and joyfully serve the Lord with what I have been entrusted with now. The treasures He has given us now is a test of how we will use treasures He entrusts us with in the future, and I've been doing poorly with my treasures of children right now. So, I am focusing on the "practical guidelines" our pastor gave us yesterday:
1- Give yourself 1st and foremost to the Lord
2- Give to others (especially my children who have been getting short-changed lately on the quality of my teaching/traning)
3- Learn to be content with whatever you have (even if that means we will only have 3 children and God decides not to bless us with more!)
4-Simplify your lifestyle (though this was spoken of more in relation to physical possessions, and I'm not sure how to apply it to my situation right now but thinking it over)
5-Set your mind above and not on things on earth.
Here is a link to the past two weeks' sermons. I highly recommend them as they have been very challenging to me!
Kingdom Perspectives on Wealth Part 1
Kingdom Perspectives on Wealth Part 2
I give you a lot of credit for writing this and sharing this with everyone. I can speak with confidence that you are NOT the only woman to be angry/full of rage about not being pregnant. And you are definitely not the only woman to ever obsess about becoming pregnant. I went through every stage while we were trying...and finally when I was completely broken and truly called out to God with my anguish, my prayers were answered. I went through bitterness, resentment, anger, fake "contentment", and a million other emotions. Finally, I was broken when I found out someone very close to me was pregnant....many of my best friends had recently gotten pregnant but this person was different for some reason. I was happy for them-especially since they had a miscarriage scare-but it broke my heart and finally turned my desperation to GOD and not myself. I had tried to be so strong and full of faith-but I was doing it in my own strength, not Gods. Lo and behold, I was already about 2 weeks pregnant but when I found out 6 days later that I was pregnant, I knew that God had really heard me and answered my desperate prayers. When I had finally let go of my desire...it was handed right back to me.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful mother Amber-you want to be a Godly woman of God for your children and you are striving to become more like Him each and every day. There will be days that you fail (don't we all) but God will take care of those precious children and will help you get back on track. And I believe that if you have such a desire for more children, that God will give them to you in His time. I don't think you would have such a strong desire if it wasn't from God. It may not happen in your time or in a way that you are expecting...but His Will will be done! Keep your head up, keep pressing toward God, and remember that He loves you! I sing "Jesus loves me" each day to Carter-find hope in the line "we are weak, but He is strong"!