At first I was writing this blog post in my head with the title "The Part of You that is Not Just about Them" then changed it. You will read why as you continue...
For several weeks now I have been thinking how 99.9% of our jobs as a mom is all consuming around our children. The cleaning, cooking, chauferring, diapering, nursing, disciplining, laundering...and not only those but the good things that surround our children as well- the laughing, joking, tickling, playing, teaching, learning & exploring. But... I have always wanted to also have things in my life I enjoyed before children too--The part of me that was there before I had them. The things that help define who we are so we do not lose ourselves in our children.
I've been contemplating the extent to which we yearn for that part of us. I think of my friends and how many of us have something in our lives we do that is our own and not just about our kids- making jewelry, pottery, sewing, crafting, baking (for others not our family), photography, etc. And not only artistic outlets, but the physical as well--running, exercising, marathons, fun runs, hiking, biking, farming, gardening, etc. These are things in which we can temporarily have freedom from being a mom and enjoy our talents and gifts in a different way. Yes, we can enjoy these things with our children, but the times we do these things alone are cathartic- a release of stress and the burdens we carry as moms.
For several years now, the thing in my life which I have found to be just a part of me that has nothing to do with my children is playing piano at church. It is enjoyable, freeing my mind of things at home and just having even one morning that I am serving a different purpose than being a mom. Not that I do not enjoy being a mom, but to be used in a completely different way. I have found significance in it, and maybe a bit too much. After having Jack I got back into the swing of things more quickly than this time after having Luke. This season of life has been stressful, and I have found myself yearning for that significance again. Wanting to put aside the stress of home and do something else that brings significance to my life. To have the freedom even if only for an hour to be used by God in a way other than as mom.
I have been mulling this over and over in my mind and wondering why this desire is so strong, and whether it is wrong to want to jump back into that place though others might think it is more stressful, and simply wondering whether this desire is truly being a servant of God with my gifts or simply a selfish desire to do that thing again that is not just about them. I've acted pretty childishly, in fact, to be honest.
And that's when yesterday's sermon by Pastor Rob hit me squarely between the eyes. The sermon was on Philippians 3:7-8.
"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ."
Rubbish.
The things that we think we have significance in are
pure. rubbish.
I am still mulling this over in my mind. Because I do believe God has given me a gift of music, but I have been finding significance in my life though it, rather than focusing on Gaining Christ.
Our purpose in life is not what gifts we have, but how God chooses to use us to His good pleasure. Even if we seeminly have gained something that we feel we can have confidence in the flesh, God says it is
rubbish.
I cannot get that word out of my mind.
Paul says earlier in that chapter
"For we...who worship by the Sprit of God and glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh also. If anyone else thinks he has reason for confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew ; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to righteousness under the law, blameless."
If anyone had reason to have confidence in himself, it was Paul. And to be honest, I have always been one to lack confidence in myself. Having been teased as a young teenager, lacking confidence in who I was compared to those around me, I always found significance in my accomplishments: having straight A's though high school and college, first chair trumpet in band, all-district band, and excellent scores when going to ECU to play piano to be judged and graded on memorized pieces. It was those things that made me feel like I had worth and significance. That God had given me something I could be good at, even if I looked terribly flawed on the outside from cystic acne, scoliosis, and just pure teenage misery.
So that carried over in my life wanting to find excellence in the things I do- things that make me feel good about myself. And when I make mistakes- especially while playing in front of others in church, I lose it emotionally and feel like such a failure...and I want a "re-do" to redeem myself. But here's the thing: even worrying about those mistakes still make it all about me and not worshiping God. That is rubbish too-- to think that when we stumble, everyone's focus is on us rather than what God is doing in their hearts. Everything we focus on about ourselves is
rubbish. And that is where I have been in my mind. That I am not "good enough" to serve and wanting to prove myself to gain some sort of significance back. Which in actuality lacks any significance to God, because it is rubbish.
So for now, I am seeking how I can purely Gain Christ in whatever I do, no matter what it is that I do or how HE sees to use me. Not an easy thing to admit or accept that. But it is sanctifying to be sure.
"...not having a righteousness of my own but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith--that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead."
Philippians 3:9b-10
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