His unfailing love

I hardly have the words to write this post, but I want to write down my thoughts before they are lost amongst all the others that have been spinning through my head the last 48 hours.  I should preface that this post is of a personal nature, but I am sharing this because I believe God uses adversity in our lives to encourage one another.  So, if He brings me a trial, I seek to learn what God is teaching me,  but I also try to share that with others.

I'm not sure I know fully what He is showing me right now except I keep thinking, "Trust Him."  I recently read the book "Trusting God" by Jerry Bridges and this is the book I have picked up today to find words of encouragement.

You see, last week, Jon and I found out we were expecting baby #4--this was not a surprise as we had been planning this.  We were beyond ecstatic and so happy to have such a wonderful gift for Christmas.  We did have a feeling, though, that Christmas was not the time to share this news with our family.  Though we have had 3 perfectly healthy babies after 2 miscarriages, there was something holding us back from sharing this news with everyone.

I was feeling fine all week--other than feeling very tired and worn out--which also comes with this busy time of year.  I had gone to the doctor the day after I got a positive test, and they did some blood work and he prescribed me the same progesterone I took with all 3 kids.  (With my miscarriages before Sean they determined I had low progesterone levels, which was probably the main cause.)  So, I had been taking this medication all week and feeling pretty much how I always do the first few weeks.

But, then on Thursday as I was making Sean's cake for his birthday I started feeling bad as the day progressed.  I was cramping and thought I needed to get off my feet.  I let Jon handle a lot of Sean's birthday party and tried to relax as much as I could.

The next morning, however, I started spotting....then it got a little worse.  So, I called the doctor's office.  I had to wait quite a while for them to call me back.  I guess they were busy being that it was a Friday before another holiday weekend.  Anyway, they finally called after lunch and told me to come in at 2 when their office re-opened for them to check my hcg levels (human growth hormone).  It was then she told me that my levels last week were pretty low even for as early as I was (not even quite 4 weeks).  She said they were only 12 last week, which was extremely low from a blood test.  They would do more blood work to check to see if the levels had doubled every 48 hours from last week, and could call me in a couple of hours so I would know before the weekend.

The phone call brought heartache--she said the levels were down to 5, which pretty much means things hadn't progressed at all since last week and that the spotting I was having was in fact the beginning of a miscarriage.  Even though I felt this pain twice before, it still was a raw feeling--like someone stabs a knife in your heart.  The loss of any life, no matter how small, is very painful.

I've been thinking that God is showing me how to trust Him even more.  Not to trust in the progesterone to "save" a pregnancy, but that only He can.  He is in control of everything, including the smallest detail.  I've tried to avoid the "what ifs" and put the little things out of my mind knowing I couldn't have done anything to prevent this.

I am thankful He loves me.  I am thankful He has given us three beautiful children.  I am thankful for their snuggles and hugs even though they have no clue what's happened.  I am thankful for a loving husband who has taken care of everything for me.  I am thankful we have hope that God could give us another baby in His time.  I am thankful He shows us how to trust Him more every day.

Jerry Bridges writes in the first chapter of his book, "In the arena of adversity, the Scriptures teach us three essential truths about God--truths we must believe if we are to trust Him in adversity.  They are:

-God is completely sovereign
-God is infinite in wisdom
-God is perfect in love